itsbeautifuloutside

Costa Rica v England

Belo Horizonte, 24th June 2014

Match Report

With elimination guaranteed, Roy Hodgson dropped his usual useless twats and replaced them with another bunch of useless twats. Given the fact that some of these useless twats are about to finance a huge spending spree for Southampton, I decided to take an interest and watch this game instead of the far more important and likely far more entertaining clash between Italy and Uruguay.

But French TV had different ideas. While England hoofed and sliced their way through the first half, I was forced to sit in a pavement café with a 1664 in hand and one eye on Prandelli’s men playing for a draw- a foolhardy tactic, given that a draw was their minimum requirement for qualification.

The other eye was steadfastly on my phone, refreshing avidly as Jimmy and Moeen Ali finally put up a fight against the Sri Lankans. I would have got very good money on those two batting past the end of the football.

During the second half, Hodgson substituted his new bunch of useless twats to revert back to the old bunch of useless twats. Predictably it didn’t make any difference, for the game petered out for a draw just as the Italy Uruguay game got exciting. Firstly Gaston came on, then Suarez got all bitey, and then Gaston provided the first meaningful contribution by any Saints player to this World Cup. His corner came off Godin’s back and Buffon was not able to stop it.

Uruguay were through and, like a very bad murder mystery party, we finally knew the victims of the Group of Death. Italy, the preening egos, and England, the useless twats, were dead. Hodgson’s 2014 World Cup campaign limped to its sorry end, finally put out of its misery with a 0-0 draw.

Twenty minutes after the final whistle, Jimmy’s heroic resistance finally gave in with just two balls to spare. What I would have done for an England draw.

Batts